I Desire to be Desired for My Mind

I desire to be desired for my mind and perhaps, that makes me different. I used to believe my physical would get me what I need, but I’ve realized how that would create an unstable foundation for me. I value the solidity of self.

There are days I feel suffocated by people who continue to believe we are nothing more than a shell and the emptiness consumes me. It is like being sucked into a whirlwind of insecurities and I do not feel comfort there.

The most beautiful gift is one of connective conversation. I used to believe that deep conversations were most important, but through experience I’ve learned that it is more about connection, than content.

Meaningful conversations will make its way into a relationship if the connection fits and the energy flows.

I fall in love with insight and opinion, always asking the question, “Well, how does that make you feel?” or “What do you think about it?” and it is pure curiosity that sparks these conversations. I have learned not to take it personal if I am not met with the same enthusiasm because everyone is on a different journey and who am I to force myself on others? But there are those who are willing to exchange and the excitement burns a flame. It is with these people I desire to be consumed with.

What am I to do, in a society obsessed with physicality but I desire mindfulness?  What is beautiful to me, may not be beautiful to others, but does that mean I’m unwanted? Or perhaps it’s not even about others, but truly that I believe in my own strength. The beautiful ones will come along. And until then, there is nothing wrong with having my head in the clouds, but feet planted firmly on the ground.

 

Days of Doubt

I am allowed to have days of doubt.

I am allowed to question myself and be unsure about the direction of my journey.

As frustrating as these feelings are, I have learned to welcome them with open arms. Because without doubt, I would not know how amazing confidence feels.

Without frustration, I would not know how peaceful clarity is.

Without anger, I would not know the beauty of happiness.

Without heartache, I would not know the purity of love.

Without indifference, there would be no balance.

There could not be one without the other. Some say, there is beauty in the struggle. Yet, with the right perspective, there is no struggle. I say, there is beauty in growth and growth requires a little bit of both.

I have become addicted to empowerment and perhaps that is the beauty of all of this. We have the freedom to choose between positive and negative and therefore, are reliable for the outcome of our reality. It should not only be empowering to realize this, but it should also be undoubtedly motivating.

This is absolutely your beautiful life to live.

Tired of Pretending

Successfully, you work hard every day to ensure the well being of those you love. Endlessly, you give parts of yourself each day to ensure everyone has a bit of strength to carry around with them. Because even just a little bit of your strength seems to inspire others. Beautifully, you are strong and loved by many. Tirelessly, you care for them all.

Yet, when I look into your eyes, they seem to tell me a different story. Your heart beats for many, but never for yourself. Truly, you cannot remember the last time your heart fluttered in excitement of your own happiness. The unhappiness in your soul struggles to gain your attention and everyday your heart says, “I’m tired of pretending.” Yet, your mind is relentless and continues to convince you that your personal happiness doesn’t matter. “Look at all the commitments to others you’ve made! There’s no time for your own happiness.” It reminds you.

You mask your needs to be happy through control and criticism of yourself and others. You hide behind an addiction to anything. Sex, drugs, alcohol, people, social media. Always making excuses, talking about, “That’s just how I am!” As if the rest of the world is supposed to bow down to your negativity.

So I beg to ask the question, “Do you even remember what it is that brings you to life?”  You give and you give and you give parts of yourself everyday believing life is supposed to be this way. Yet, when was the last time you’ve given to yourself first? When was the last time you’ve filled up your cup first, so you could pour from a full cup? Rather than scraping the bottom to give to others?

You’ll continue to live an empty life because somehow you’ve decided it was logical to treat yourself like trash and treat others like gold, but look at how amazing your body is. It senses, it moves, it heals, it works in unison and you don’t even have to think about it! You are a miracle and you do not treat miracles like trash. You seem to acknowledge the miracle in others. For once, acknowledge the miracle within yourself. Do the amazing things that make you happy. That make your heart dance, your skin tingle, your mind focused. Do the things that make you feel naturally comfortable in your skin. Fill your life with happiness and continue to create memories you can peacefully replay on rough days. Believe in your ability to make life work wonderfully and amazingly for you.  Happily, you deserve nothing but the best.

No More

Maybe it’s the fact that I do not want to share my deepest desire with you. I believe it’s a trust issue that I’m still building upon.

Maybe you don’t deserve to hear what makes my heart dance and bring my mind to complete focus.

Maybe I just know you will never understand.

Or perhaps, I could just give no fucks and happily, maybe even revengefully, tell you what I am ultimately working towards. I could walk into this conversation with high hopes knowing that the happiness on my face would change your whole attitude and your thoughts of me.

I no longer want to hear, “Do whatever you want.” The sarcasm almost comes out to bite me. Tell me that you heavily care about my happiness. Ask me about my journey. Let me sense your meaningful curiosity. It seems almost too much to ask from anyone these days.

It’s as if we want to own every part of a person. Their physical, emotional, mental and spiritual we hope to place behind bars so that no one is allowed growth, therefore creating a conformist. Oh and we’ve created so many of those!

Perhaps what I am hoping to convey in this moment is, no more. No more trying to dilute myself because it makes others feel uncomfortable. This is not a “just add water” deal. More importantly, I am no longer going to dilute myself to wash away my own personal doubts. If I want others to take me seriously, I need to take myself seriously.

I deserve nothing less.

I remember being afraid of looking like the fool…

 

I remember being afraid of looking like the fool. Absolutely convinced, that I was the problem. My loyalty was a problem.

I remember being afraid of looking like the fool. Knowing that those who have never known my heart, snickered behind my back. Believing that I was undeserving of what they were trying to take from me. They were disgustingly turned on by the challenge.

I remember being afraid of looking like the fool. Convinced it was my responsibility to keep it together. Any crack in the foundation I’ve helped to build, would only prove my weakness.

But you know what else I remember?

I remember not giving a shit. My thoughts may have lingered there for a moment of my life, but it didn’t stay for long.

I remember knowing I was never the fool.

I do not believe that loyalty presents a fool.

I do not believe that humility presents a fool.

I do not believe trusting others presents a fool.

You know what is foolish?

Taking loyalty for granted.

Taking growth for granted.

Taking love for granted.

You are the fool.

Contrasting experiences may have put me on my ass for a split second,

But I am not foolish enough to shelter myself from life because of other’s foolishness.

I refuse to give into a society who believes that good hearts don’t thrive.

Because they damn sure do, and I am proof of it.

I am more than thriving, I am experiencing the greatness of life, fully.

And that is more than they will ever bare to deserve.

Love is a lot more than we continue to be taught…

I reflect on the life we’ve created for ourselves. Some will do the same and hope to change parts of their past, believing that their present would be different. I would never wish that on us. I have never accomplished so much, until my experiences with you. Love is a lot more than what we continue to be taught. I know this is true because these days, it feels as if I am falling in love with you all over again.

-arielivyrose